I think I was born that way [being interested in psychiatry]. I think some people are born artistic. They can just pick up some paper and they can do it. I can't. What I was good at was being with people. I was always the advice giver and a good listener. When I was growing up I always felt that I was on the outside observing. In school, for example, I paid attention like I was watching and not really there. You're there, but you're not really you.

I imagine that part of success does not include misery [laughs]. I'm miserable, so I can't call myself a success yet. When people just look at me, they see the "package": I'm in Boston. I'm in Harvard. I'm in this prestigious residency. I'm a doctor. I have a house, a dog, friends, somewhat of a social life, nice family. All these things look pretty good. I've always had that. Everything has always "looked" good, but it's been sort of unhappy on the way. Now in particular, I'm ready to shift gears. I've put in the work and the misery and now it's time to change.

I guess my measure of success is different. I thought a successful person is somebody who does everything and is the best at whatever she does. So I thought to myself that I would be the best psychiatrist - whatever that means. That means that they should know my name in other parts of the country because I'm doing something important. That belief has since shifted because that takes too much of your own personal life to achieve.

Now, success is changing. I think I can start this next year and I'll have to develop it, but it's just enjoying everyday instead of being miserable everyday and living for the future. I'm done with that and that's how my definition has changed.

You have to be able to support yourself. Poverty is not success, but success is figuring out what is important and what makes you content and then doing that. It's not getting caught up in: "people who are successful have a husband and two kids and a dog and a boat, summer house, whatever." That may not be important. For example, I may want a little house and I don't really care about my car, and I'd really like to travel or work 9 to 5 and have time for other things. For example, I used to dance. If I was dancing or singing or doing something else besides just making money and... this is kind of weird actually... the ultimate success would be if I didn't have to work to support myself. If I won the lottery and could still do psychiatry for fun then I'd be doing it because I wanted to and not because I needed the money. It takes away from the enjoyment when you do something because you need the money. Just having enough but not needing more.

It's been a problem [having to balance others' expectations versus personal expectations], but only from the standpoint of my family. For my friends it doesn't matter. However, with my family, you have to be a doctor or accountant. So of those two choices, I chose doctor [laughs]. I wanted to do that for whatever reason when I was little. I probably would have been a teacher had I had no pressures from anything, but I thought that I had to be a doctor. I think it started when I began buying into what my parents wanted me to do. Once you get on that train you can't get off. College, med school, 12 year plan and that's really it. There's no point of exit because you have the school debt and you can't stop to pay them and so you continue. But, psychiatry was a exit point for me.

I was not supposed to do psychiatry. My parents did not approve because I was supposed to be a family doctor, so it was a break off point. In psychiatry you're "supposed" to be a therapist. I hate that, so I'm breaking from that and I'm starting to shape my life the way I like it. It's taken me the better part of three years to be okay with what I like about psychiatry. That struggle is an ongoing thing and it's very slow.

In college I started to see that people are different and not everyone sees the world like I do. My advice is to expose yourself to as many of everything as you can. If I wasn't so chicken I would have traveled abroad to gain another exposure. Meet people. Don't say "no" when someone asks you to do something that may sound scary or may not sound like fun, because you never know. Sometimes for me when I do something that sounds really awful it turns out to be really fun. So you have to say yes to opportunities. You have to listen to your friends more than your parents [laughs]. You have to pick good friends and then you have to listen to them. Just don't assume that your parents are right. I feel like I've done things late. If I were to give advice I'd recommend that they explore earlier. Explore as many different things as you can with as many different people as you can.

When you're starting to feel miserable, you're doing something wrong. You're doing something that someone else is telling you to do instead of listening to what you want to do. That's what got me into psychiatry instead of family medicine. When I did my psyche rotation in medical school it was the first time that I was happy in medical school. It was like, "Oh my God, I'm actually happy doing this. Maybe I should do this." If you respond to your gut and not try to tell your gut that it's wrong, you'll do better. Always listen to your gut.